Selfishness in Couples: Narcissism, Lack of Interpersonal Skills, or Something Else?

 

By Lynn Margolies, Ph.D.

Pages: 1 2All

Disclaimer: The characters from these vignettes are fictitious. They were derived from a composite of people and events for the purpose of representing real-life situations and psychological dilemmas.

Couples commonly talk about feeling unsupported by their partners in the things that are important to them – longing to feel that their spouse is their friend. Lack of support often is seen by the hurt spouse as caused by the other’s selfishness, or lack of caring or empathy.

Though this may be what is going on with some couples, selfish behavior or lack of empathy frequently is caused by hidden hurt and resentment tied to longstanding unresolved marital issues. When hurt and resentment masquerade as selfishness, the prognosis can be hopeful for some couples. Addressing and repairing past conflicts directly in the context of therapy often allows the flow of love in the marriage to be restored.

Nancy had left her career to become a full-time mom. Years later, as she re-entered the work force, she felt liberated and excited, reclaiming a part of herself that had been dormant for years. Joseph had trouble sharing in Nancy’s excitement over her job prospects. In spite of their financial stability, he seemed curiously hung up on how much money she’d be earning and whether he thought the job was a worthwhile use of time. When Joseph couldn’t be happy for her and let her be free, it compounded Nancy’s ongoing feeling that he didn’t really care about her, and she became increasingly hopeless about their marriage.

Impasse Despite Improved Communication and Relational Skills

Joseph was a caring person and loved Nancy but even when he felt supportive of her, or others, he had difficulty expressing feelings and empathy – finding it unnatural, awkward and risky. In therapy, Joseph worked on developing better empathic skills and communication. He focused on improving his ability to tune in to his wife’s feelings and respond to them, for example, noticing her feelings instead of reacting from his own point of view as if the job opportunity was his.

Joseph learned how to express empathy, which dramatically improved his relationship with his children, but this work in therapy did not resolve the impasse in his marriage. Though his behavior and communication was better, Nancy still did not feel he was truly connected with her. It was as if he were going through the motions, but it didn’t reach her and didn’t feel real. Feeling unsupported, empty and alone, she began to conclude that maybe he was incapable of authentic connection.

Unconscious Emotional Barriers at Play

When lack of support and empathy are symptoms of an underlying conflict, improving communication skills and “emotional intelligence” is not the solution alone. In these cases, an unconscious emotional barrier will continue to reveal itself and defeat practical solutions until it is tackled. The roadblock and its cause must be confronted directly and understood, releasing the couple from its hold and allowing tenderness and connection to be restored. Healing occurs as rigid assumptions are relinquished, and replaced by empathic understanding of one another in real time.

Payback

In a private session with the therapist, Joseph responded with curiosity of his own to the therapist’s interest in understanding why he was micromanaging Nancy’s job prospects and failing to truly celebrate her excitement. He could see that his concerns about the money she would earn were not really legitimate. But he pointed out that if, in fact, it was now his turn to be paying back what he ‘owed’ Nancy, including taking on more responsibilities at home, she should earn an amount that felt worth his while – just as he had done. This comment revealed that a sense of injustice and powerlessness was driving Joseph’s withholding and rigidity.

The therapist asked Joseph how he would feel if Nancy didn’t believe he actually “owed” her. Would he feel differently about her job if he weren’t obligated to support her but were doing so out of love or wanting her to be happy? “Yes,” he replied, in a genuine way. Even thinking about removing the sense of obligation allowed Joseph to imagine being loving again without keeping score, as he had been prior to the birth of their child.

Nancy did believe that Joseph “owed” her for the years she sacrificed, feeling burdened and alone caring for their baby. This perception was fueled by the assumption that Joseph happily abandoned the family for his work while she gave up her career.

In therapy, Nancy learned that Joseph had been unhappy too at that time, pulling away from her because of feeling defeated. Criticized and put down about how he cared for the baby, it seemed that no matter what he did, he never met her standards. He coped by retreating emotionally and seeking refuge through work, where he felt successful. Later, Nancy’s implicit demand for payback further closed his heart to her.

Healing past relational/attachment injuries

• Taking responsibility. Through therapy Nancy and Joseph ultimately recognized the truth about what happened, and that neither escaped unscathed. They both acted out of pain and their own limitations, rather than out of selfish or hurtful intent.When Nancy explained, without anger, how overwhelmed and abandoned she felt at that time, Joseph was able to put himself in her shoes. In a healing moment of authentic connection with Nancy, he became tearful, expressing genuine sorrow and regret for not having been able to find a way to help her.

  In turn, Nancy was able to relent from her previous position of blame, recognizing her own role in creating the burden and isolation she endured. She talked openly about how panicked and self-critical she had been about being a good mom, realizing that she projected her own anxieties onto Joseph – and became controlling, critical and contemptuous of him.

• Restoring the balance of power.In letting go of her defensive position, Nancy reassured Joseph that he did not “owe” her anything, acknowledging that she had chosen to be a stay-at-home mom and that she had pushed him away. She also revealed for the first time that she valued Joseph as a dad and envied his easy way with the kids.This dialogue freed the couple from painful views that divided them. As the perception of Nancy’s superiority could be dispelled, Joseph was lifted up and reinstated back into the fold, restoring the balance of power in the relationship essential for mutual connection.

Summary

Longstanding hurt and feelings of injustice from past events can show up in couples in the form of a silent barricade that blocks natural connection. When love and forgiveness do not seem possible, compensatory solutions may take over in an attempt to protect oneself or even the score.

In such cases, one spouse may seem selfish, withholding, or incapable of bonding. The other partner, driven by resentment, in turn feels “owed” or entitled. When this happens, the “offending” one is punished – kept in the role of underdog in the relationship, resulting in a perpetual power imbalance and backlash by the disenfranchised partner who reacts by walling off emotionally. This cycle leads to mutual emotional deprivation without resolution – and no one wins. These strategies fail, as do behavioral solutions, never reaching the source of the disconnect.

In this case, Nancy and Joseph were each trapped in their own loneliness – harboring unfounded assumptions that continued to breed blame, grudges, and isolation. But, as they experienced each other’s feelings and vulnerability in therapy, and saw each other in a new way, the emotional barrier between them began to lift. Together they developed a mutually compatible story line about what happened, allowing a clearing where connection and love can occur.

Joseph’s natural generosity returned, and he was able to be more present with his wife in a more heartfelt way, sharing her excitement over new ventures. Nancy, in turn, was more open to letting Joseph in, and came closer to seeing him as the man she had respected, and the man who he had wanted to be.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/selfishness-in-couples-narcissism-lack-of-interpersonal-skills-or-something-else/00016311

Unappreciated,- It’s Never Good Enough

By Aaron Karmin

 

Unappreciated: It’s Never Good Enough

By Aaron Karmin

 

Therapist: “When else have you felt rejected?”

Jason: “I remember when I was five years old, some of my Dad’s friends were over. I remember telling them about a joke I had just read. I thought it was so funny. I went on and on about this chicken and goat and they all listened very patiently. And when I got to the end, there was no reaction. They just went on talking where they had left off. I felt so stupid and embarrassed.”

Therapist: “What was the most embarrassing thing about it?”

Jason: “Not only was I stupid, but it was obvious to everybody that I didn’t even know how stupid I was.”

Therapist: “You felt inferior and rejected. What did you learn from that event?”

Jason: “I thought I was doing something good at the time — that I was sociable and entertaining, but I was dead wrong.”

Therapist: “You learned that your judgment wasn’t good enough.”

Jason: “I’m still having trouble with that. I keep trusting the wrong people, and not trusting the ones I should trust.”

Therapist: “Does it make you angry?”

Jason: “Sure it does.”

Therapist: “When you had that argument with your girlfriend Sue at your friends barbecue, did you feel there was something wrong with your judgment?”

Jason: “Yes. It was my decision to invite her to the party. I see now that it was a mistake, but I wanted them to get to know her and vice versa and have a good time together.”

Therapist: “What did you do to get over this anger at yourself for having such poor judgment?”

Jason: “Nothing I guess.”

Therapist: “When something happens in the present that reminds you of feelings from the past, your emotions become exaggerated. You get angrier then the reality is the situation requires. Your anger from the past compounds the feelings in the present and you explode.”

Jason: “I wasn’t aware of any of this.”

Therapist: “We don’t have room in our conscious mind for all these feelings from our childhood, so they slip below the level of conscious awareness. But they are down there, just the same, predisposing us to lash out with exaggerated emotional reactions. Now you can begin to repair the damage and make other choices.”

Jason: “What was the damage?”

Therapist:”The damage was to your self-respect. You would not respect a child who was so foolish as to believe that grown-ups would be interested in his fairy tales. You could not respect anyone who had such poor judgment. You could only be angry at yourself for letting your judgment betray you. Didn’t you feel like you were the victim of this betrayal?”

Jason: “Yes. I still feel like a victim.”

Therapist: “You are vulnerable to blaming yourself for your own victimization, which also compounds your distress in the present. You cannot respect victims. Let me ask you another focusing question. How else do you feel when people do not appreciate your efforts to amuse and entertain them?”

Jason: “Sue didn’t appreciate my efforts Sunday and I felt terrible.”

Therapist: “So who were you angry at?”

Jason: “I was angry at her for not appreciating what I was trying to do for her.”

Therapist: “What angered you the most?”

Jason: “It wasn’t fair. If I do something good for her, she is supposed to do something good for me. But she didn’t.”

Therapist: “And unfairness makes you angry doesn’t it? Who else were you angry at?”

Jason: “I don’t know.”

Therapist: “Could it be that you were angry at yourself for being helpful to Sue in the first place?”

Jason: “I thought she would appreciate it, but I was wrong.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anger/2014/06/unappreciated-its-never-good-enough/

5 Keys To A Successful Relationship

Pause for a moment and think about your relationships. What thoughts come to mind? How do you feel about your relationship? Your relationships generally provide great happiness and satisfaction for you. Or, because of high levels of conflict and unfulfilled expectations, your relationships may be a source of great anxiety and frustration. Another possibility is that life for you has become so hectic, that you never seem to be able to connect with others as you once did. Do any of these situations sound familiar? If so, you are not alone. Many people relate to one of these descriptions.

About half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. It is obvious that many people do not get married and live “happily ever after.” However, marriage continues to be an important goal for most Americans. In fact, over 90 percent of adults will get married at least once in their lifetime. Most spouses start out full of hopes and dreams and are truly committed to making their marriage work. Yet as the reality of living with a less than perfect spouse sets in and the pressures of life build, many individuals feel less romantic and do not find as much satisfaction in their relationships. All relationships change over time. But with hard work and dedication, people can keep their relationships strong and enjoyable. How is it done? What does it take to create a long-lasting, satisfying relationship?

Consider the positive aspects of your relationships. What are you doing that works well and brings you and others joy and happiness? If you have a satisfying relationship, be that with a spouse, sibling, child, parent, or friend, chances are that your relationship has high levels of positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance, love and respect. These are some of the characteristics that researchers have found to be common in successful relationships. Let’s look at each of these factors.

Positivity – Experts on relationships have found that the main difference between stable and unstable relationships is the amount of positive thoughts and actions people engage in toward each other. Through careful observation of hundreds of couples, researchers have come to the conclusion that successful spouses have far more positive, than negative interactions. If there is too much negativity, criticizing, demanding, name-calling, holding grudges, etc., the relationship suffers. However, if there is never any negativity, it probably means that frustrations and grievances are not getting air time and unresolved tension is accumulating inside one or both partners. The key is balance between the two extremes.

Empathy – Another characteristic of a happy relationship is empathy. Empathy means understanding a person’s perspective by putting oneself, in his or her shoes. Many researchers have shown that empathy is important for relationship satisfaction. People are more likely to feel good about their marriage and spouse, if their partner expresses empathy towards them. Husbands and wives are more content in their relationships, when they perceive that their spouses truly understand their thoughts and feelings.

Commitment – Successful marriages involve both spouses’ commitment to the relationship. When two people are truly dedicated to making their marriage work, despite the unavoidable challenges and obstacles that come, they are much more likely to have a relationship that lasts. However, in most Western cultures, individualism is highly valued. Individualism focuses on the needs and fulfillment of the self. Being attentive to one’s own needs is important, but if it is not balanced by a concern for the needs of others, it can easily lead to selfishness in marriage. Husbands and wives who only focus on themselves and their own desires, are not as likely to find joy and satisfaction in their relationships. However, when spouses are committed to investing in their marriage and are willing to sacrifice some of their own preferences for the good of the relationship, they usually have high-quality marriages.

Acceptance – One of the most basic needs in a relationship is acceptance. Everyone wants to feel valued and respected. When people feel that their spouse, parent, child, sibling or friend truly accepts them for who they are, they are usually more secure and confident in their relationships. Often, there is conflict in relationships because people cannot accept each other and try to demand change from one another. And when one person tries to force change from another, he or she is usually met with resistance. However, research has shown that change is much more likely to occur when people respect differences and accept each other unconditionally as they are right now.

Mutual love and respect – Perhaps the most important components of successful marriages are love and respect for each other. This may seem very obvious — why would two people get married who did not love and respect each other? The fact is, as time passes and life becomes increasingly complicated, the marriage often suffers as a result. It is all too easy for spouses to lose touch with each other and neglect the love and romance that once came so easily. It is vital that husbands and wives continue to cultivate love and respect for each other throughout their lives. If they do, it is highly likely that their relationships will remain happy and satisfying.

 

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anger/2014/08/5-keys-to-a-successful-relationship/

The Five Biggest Mistakes that Threaten Relationships

Dr. Edward Hallowell and his wife, Sue, authors of Married to Distraction: Restoring Intimacy and Strengthening Your Marriage in an Age of Distraction, teach you how to spot hidden distractions in your relationship and reveal the mistakes you may not realize you're making.

1. Screen-Sucking
"It's where you say, 'I'm just going to go check my e-mail,' and two hours later, you're still there," Dr. Hallowell says, noting that an interactive screen can suck you in and before you know it, hours have passed spending mindless time on the computer.

2. Over-Booking

Don't become a victim to your own enthusiasm."It's when you have so many things that you put on your plate — volunteering, dealing with the kids, seeing your friends — that you really don't have time to pay attention to the things that you really need to pay attention to," Sue says. To become close to another person, you must pay attention. It's important to do this repeatedly over time.

3. No Boundaries

"The great thing about modern life is that we've broken down all boundaries. The danger about modern life is that we've broken down all boundaries," Dr. Hallowell says. "So, you're out to lunch with your best friend, and you take a call. So we're available anywhere, anytime to the world, which is great, as long as we're in charge, but when it's in charge of us, life goes out the window." Avoid this by turning off your electronic devices when you are with your spouse. Don't allow others to intrude upon your life with each other.

4. Getting Too Busy

This is when you are doing too many things at one time. "I'll be attending to everything else, and Ned will be like, 'Will you just spend a few minutes talking to me?'" Sue explains. Don't make yourself too busy during the day that when you get home all you want to do is check out and not connect with your partner.

5. Drifting Apart

It's a passive action, just allowing your relationship to wither away without taking action to stop it, or believing that you can take care of it at a later time. "Our message is that you absolutely do have a choice," Dr. Hallowell says. Sue adds that it's important to take control of your life instead of letting your life take control of you. 
The Hallowells also advocate adding "play time" in your relationship. "Play is the action of love. Play is the reward. Play is what you do after you've done those first four, and you're together and you say, 'Hey, we're actually having fun!'" Dr. Hallowell says. "You can be having fun and spending no money. Just be together. It's fun. It's playful. It's what you did as kids. It's what you ought to do as adults, and we say play is the action of love."

 

http://drphil.com/articles/article/657

How To Make Your Partner Fall In Love With You Every Day

 

It is so easy to fall in love. But staying in love requires hard work. It is even harder work to make your partner fall in love with you every day. Relationships are hard work. They demand that you constantly put in more effort than you have ever done to make that special person extra happy. So what then is secret to making your partner fall in love with you every day? Is it important that you fall and stay in love with your spouse?

You should start by asking yourself one question. What made your partner fall in love with you in the first place? What really drew them to you? People fall in love because of many reasons. Some fall in love because of the smile a person they met hard. The kind nature or the friendly nature of a person can also make someone fall in love with them. Discovering the first thing that made your partner fall in love with you is the first step towards making them fall in love with you again and again. If they fell in love with you because of your smile, keep on smiling to them. If it was because you were kind, be kind even now that you have them in your life.

Tell them you love them as often as possible

One of the secret to making your partner fall in love with you every day is by being romantic. Little gestures of love everyday will make your partner adore you. Tell them you love them as often as possible. Buy some flowers for them. Buy some chocolate and wine. Create a little heaven for them in your arms. Surprise them with gifts. You could even write little notes with love messages and poems and leave them everywhere in the house. Talk and have time to connect with your partner everyday.

You could decide to go on romantic dates every now and then. Three or four dates a month will do. Go to a romantic restaurant. It does not even have to be expensive. It could be a restaurant with some value to both of you. Maybe the place you got engaged or the place you had your first date. You may also organize for a romantic getaway to a lover’s paradise somewhere in the world maybe twice every year. Do not be afraid to go the extra mile to make them appreciate and love you and love you even more. This is the secret to making your partner fall in love with you over and over again.

Above all, communicate. Listen to what your partner has to say. Offer them a solution or a shoulder to cry on. Let your partner tell you how to make them happy. Let your partner express themselves in the best way they can to you. Connect with them and understand them well. Talk to them too about your own view of the relationship and how you could make it better. Seek to make them happy always. This will make your partner love you even more.

http://www.sweetdating4you.com/make-partner-fall-love-every-day/